Men: The seven secrets of successful sex.
Men, if you want to satisfy any woman - every time, read on!
Sex can be long, slow and romantic, or it can be quick, urgent and intense. And it often doesn't make much difference to a man's enjoyment whether sex is over in a minute or it takes all night. Indeed, sometimes sex can seem a lot easier if it is over quickly and we don't have to make much of an effort to please our partner. The trouble is, of course, that sex like this is generally very unsatisfying for a woman, and a man who adopts this as his standard lovemaking technique isn't likely to be enjoying sex for very long before his partner departs to find someone more considerate in bed! Here, then, are some simple guidelines which will help to make sex good for both of you - and that way, give you the chance to enjoy it more often!
1 Enjoy foreplay
The big difference between men and women is in the need for foreplay. Even though many women like a quick, intense session of sex once in a while, we know that on average it takes between ten and twenty times as long for a woman to become aroused and ready for intercourse as it does for a man. And even though a woman's vagina may get wet very quickly, most women need a period of foreplay before they are emotionally ready for penetration. What this means in practice is that foreplay needs to last for at least ten - and preferably twenty - minutes if intercourse is going to be a good experience for a woman. But here's the interesting thing - the huge majority of women who enjoy foreplay for twenty minutes will have an orgasm. And since a woman's orgasm is not only satisfying for her, but adds to her partner's excitement as well, you can see it's well worth enjoying your foreplay.
So what does good foreplay involve? You might just see foreplay as a prelude to intercourse, or you might see it as an end in itself which culminates in orgasm for one or both partners - and that's a good alternative to sexual intercourse if you want safe sex, of course. But assuming that foreplay is going to lead up to intercourse, it can take several forms, including:
Kissing - appreciated by every part of the body
Petting - touching, stroking, nibbling
Massage - a variety of pressures and strokes across a women's entire body using scented oils, feathers, silk, or nothing but hands
Masturbation - solo or mutual masturbation
Oral sex - fellatio and cunnilingus
For men, it's a great idea to become an expert in the arts of gentle touching, caressing and kissing. Vary the pressure of your touch or kiss, switch between firm and gentle pressure, pause and resume - all strategies which prevent the foreplay becoming boring. But perhaps the greatest asset that a man can have during foreplay is expertise in the gentle art of pleasuring a woman orally - in other words, be an expert at cunnilingus. In survey after survey, women report that they like cunnilingus above all other forms of sexual activity. This is because it's a reliable route to orgasm for most women - much more reliable than intercourse, and in many cases it's easier than masturbation. It's also an act of real intimacy and trust - qualities which women appreciate in their partner.
There are many websites which offer advice about the best oral sex techniques: for example, the websites in the resource box below offer hints and advice on how to enjoy oral sex, as well as providing a lot of advice about sexual positions, written from the point of view of both a man and a woman.
2 Be sensitive to her needs
Being with a selfish lover is a complete turn-off for a woman. It's no use you just going through the motions - either you're committed to giving her a good time or you're not. And being selfish isn't just about making a dive for her erogenous zones and satisfying yourself after a few perfunctory minutes of foreplay - even if she lets you! To give her a good time you need to be with her emotionally as well as physically, with your attention fully focused on what you're doing. Successful sex comes from being fully present with her during the act of lovemaking - being responsive to her movements, words, and feelings. If you're pleasuring her orally, for example, watch how her body shifts slightly as she moves towards her orgasm. These small movements indicate whether she wants you to move your focus, press harder or more softly, speed up or slow down. And remember that good sex isn't generally the same for women as it is for men: when you masturbate, you probably enjoy increasing the speed and pressure of your hand movements as you get near orgasm. For her, consistency and a steady rhythm are likely to be much more important until she's really on the edge of her orgasm. Only then will a faster rhythm and a harder pressure of your fingers or tongue, depending on what you're doing, help her over the edge and into the bliss of her orgasm.
3 Let her come down from orgasm in an intimate embrace
When a woman reaches orgasm, it can be so intense that she needs a few minutes to recover and come fully back to the here and now. So after she's enjoyed her orgasm, let her rest gently in your arms if that's what she wants, feeling your love and affection before you continue with your sex. Remember the after-effects of orgasm are different for a man and a woman: most men can't get an erection again straight away, and may even lose interest in sex for a while after they have ejaculated. The whole idea of satisfying her before you take your pleasure is so that you don't just reach orgasm, ejaculate, turn over and go to sleep. The guiding principle is "she comes first!" Remember this simple idea, and you'll enjoy much better sex. After a woman's enjoyed her orgasm, it takes her body and mind much longer to lose their arousal than it does for a man. So, after good foreplay, and hopefully an orgasm, she'll still be sexually aroused, ready to enjoy penetration and intercourse with you.
4 Remember that penetration is important to her; make it special and do it elegantly
The act of penetration can be just as important to your partner as it is to you: and you might be surprised to know that her desire to be penetrated by the man she loves and trusts can be just as strong as your desire to penetrate her. Many men forget this. And it's also important to keep in mind that this is a special act for a woman - one that symbolises love, affection and intimacy. So when you get to the moment of penetration, be sensitive and respect the gift she is giving you in allowing you into her body. Exactly how you approach the moment of penetration will depend on the mood of the sex you're enjoying (and the sexual position in which you're enjoying it). Your sex may be assertive, a wonderful meeting of masculine power and feminine receptiveness, or it may be a gentle romantic connection, symbolised by loving eye-contact as you enter her vagina. In either case, be respectful and if it feels appropriate, ask her "May I enter you?" A final word of advice - if you have trouble getting your penis in, don't fumble and fool around: be straight, direct and honest - just ask her to guide you in with her hand. Women hate an incompetent lover.
5 Learn to be a good lover; don't come too soon
Premature ejaculation is a real problem for many men. And it's true that women often don't understand how out-of-control it can feel. In young men, it's often the result of being too excited and aroused - all that testosterone, and the urge to ejaculate quickly is quite natural. Greater lovemaking skill can come with age, but even so many men never bother to learn the simple techniques that could help them last longer in bed. All it requires is the decision to do so, and the will-power to carry that decision through, plus a little help from your partner. See, for example, the websites in the resource box below.
And being a good lover means a few other things too: like ensuring your body and penis are clean before you have sex - the same is true for her vulva, of course. And respecting her wishes as to whether or not you ejaculate in her mouth during oral sex. And not resting all your weight on her unless she likes to feel you resting on top of her. There are many more such things which will make your lovemaking into a wonderful, memorable experience for you both.
6 Respect her feelings
Men very often think that a woman "should" reach orgasm every time she has sex. In fact, very few women will do so - or even want to do so. The hardest thing of all for men to understand is that a woman may not even know before sex starts whether she is going to want to have an orgasm, or be able to do so in that particular session of lovemaking. Men certainly need to grasp that orgasm may not be important for a woman. Instead, the intimacy, the cuddles, the kisses, and just feeling her man inside her may be enough to give her great pleasure and satisfaction during sex. So don't get hung up on "giving" her an orgasm - it's her body, her orgasm, and you're just helping her to discover if she's going to have one that day!
And above all, don't sulk if she doesn't want sex and you do. That's about as ungracious as male behavior gets. You have a hand, so go and do something with it, or ask her if she will help you out.
7 Talk to each other
Talking about sex can be very difficult if you're not used to discussing intimate matters. But good communication is the essence of successful sex - and non-critical communication at that. Be loving at all times: if your partner isn't doing what you want, but they are trying to please you, be kind and gracious in the way you say what you want. A good model is to say something like: "It feel great when you do that, but it would be even better if you moved your hand up a bit." In this way, no one needs to feel unappreciated or criticised. And if there's something really important you need to say to your partner, talk about it afterwards when the emotional heat has died away a bit. Then be straightforward and loving; say what you want and need directly, openly and as son as you can. Leaving things unsaid in the hope that they will go away will seriously interfere with the pleasure you get from your sex life!
Rod Phillips. Rod Phillips is an online psychosexual counsellor at Sex And Relationships and End Premature Ejaculation Now