Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Cunnilingus for Morons: How to Eat Pussy Like a Pro

I remember the first time I went down on a girl: I was only a teenager and that first experience nearly put me off for life. But it's like oysters and beer - an acquired taste.

The young lady in question had just given me my first blowjob - an unmitigated disaster if ever there was one. The jizz was outta the bottle before those hot lips and tongue got anywhere near the target. She insisted I return the favour: the fact that she hadn't really done anything counted for nothing. I had to do it, or all our friends were going to know I was a dud. So, down I went. My God! I don't think the girl had washed her cunt for ages, it was hairy as bear (this is over twenty years ago, mind). I had no idea where to lick, what a clit was or anything. The fumes were shocking, but I stuck my tongue somewhere (I think a little too close to the piss hole!), she groaned a bit, I licked some more, and thankfully she put an end to the ordeal fairly quickly.

Now it's a different kettle of fish (so to speak). Women today tend to shave, wax or at least trim their cunny jungles, so that's a blessing. With the hair removed, that whole hole area is so much more hygienic and a lovely place to be.

The first thing to do is throw away all ideas about technique. Just get your mouth down there and go for it. If you have any instincts at all, the rest will come to you. But to do a good job of it (and this makes most women come, believe me), try this.

Firstly, once you have become used to the notion, and you start to enjoy the flavour and aroma of an aroused, clean vagina, you can employ some fancy-pants methodology. Go slow. Lick gently around her outer lips, then the inner lips. Leave her clit alone for a minute as she will enjoy the agonising ecstasy of waiting for the intense feeling that tongue-on-clit massage produces. Insert a finger gently as you are doing this gentle licking. As she rocks her hips, take this as a signal to be a little firmer. Also, don't be afraid to nibble her cunt lips with your teeth.

When you do get to the clit, roll your tongue around in a circular motion. A trick a friend told me works wonders at this point: trace the alphabet all around her vulva, concentrating on her clitoris every fourth or fifth letter. Unless she has a pussy that reads Braille, she won't know that you are specifically employing a tactic. She'll just imagine you are a virtuoso cunnilinguist.

The most important thing is to listen for signals from her. Even better, before you start tell hr you want to know if you are doing things the way she wants, or if you are missing the bits she likes. Ask her to say "Yes, baby", or whatever you agree on for the good stuff, and something like "Not quite, baby" if you stuff up. The second one, if said gently, cannot be taken as criticism - just guidance.

When you get really good at sucking pussy, she will do anything for you. Get her to come first - her clit will be swollen and you will make her come more easily from straight fucking. Be sure to grind your pelvis into her clit, and it won't matter whether you have the tiniest cock in the world - she'll come for you, and she'll love you! And, here's the big pay off: once you get really good at licking her beautiful little mouse's ear, she will have fewer excuses for not sucking your dick. Give her good head, and you will get good head in return.

Finally, the best way to success on the path to being a top-flight pussy eater is to practise at every opportunity you get.

As one lesbian said to another - if you can't join 'em, lick 'em.

Which reminds me: another great way to learn is to watch lesbian porn. I know they aren't real lesbians (usually), but they aren't going to suck cunt badly on purpose, are they? You can be sure, girls know what girls like. To be doubly sure, get a movie that has been directed by a woman - it will have less anal and more vaginal sex in it.

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Cam Langdon, http://www.contacttoday.com